The Hierarchy of Nerds

Let me start by saying that I myself, am a horrible, tubby, introverted nerd.  I am allowed to make fun of nerds, because I am one of their kind.  Actually, like most nerds, I could fit into several of the below categories.  So don't get pissy at me for writing this, it's just for fun.  
Here, I propose a descending hierarchy of the coolness of each category of nerd.  There are as many kinds of nerds as there are people, so for the purposes of this article, I have lumped some of them together, where I feel the respective groups are of approximately equal coolness.  To my fellow nerds, I apologize for what you will doubtless view as a slander of your particular genre.  But let's face it... we just aren't cool.

1. Technology/Science/Math Nerds:  It seems to me that there is no logical case for any other class of nerd being the coolest.  Whereas most of the pursuits on this list have grim consequences like pimples, obesity, and borderline autism, being a tech/science/math nerd has awesome consequences like gainful employment, a hand in creating the future, and the respect of society.  Not to mention an opportunity to take sweet, ice-cold revenge on the jocks and cheerleaders that bullied you in high school by becoming their asshole boss.

2. Star Wars Nerds:  Though I do have a separate category coming for other science fiction fans, I believe Star Wars nerds deserve their own category, as they are possibly the most socially-accepted kind of non-productive nerd.  Basically, everybody likes Star Wars.  Those who nerd out on it may not be cool, but they're given a pass by society because their nerdly obsession is something universally accepted as cool.

3. Lord of the Rings/Harry Potter Nerds:  Basically the same deal as #2, but since both are rooted in books, and both classes of nerd are likely to spend a lot of their lives telling people that the books are so much  better than the movies, they lose some coolness points for constantly defending their obsession.

4. Social Media Whores:  This category's nerd status is definitely debatable.  For one thing, everybody these days uses social media semi-obsessively, and we're all shameless narcissists in the end.  But since this is an activity which can consume enough time to divert a person from real life, I argue it as a nerdly occupation.  If you post on Facebook more than 15 times a day, this is you.  If you post on more than 5 social networks a day, this is you.  If you have posted pictures of yourself in the mirror or holding the phone above your head to anywhere but your profile pic, this is you.  The reason that they are so high on the list, however, is that most of the time, these people do actually have friends IRL, and much of their activity does relate to occurrences in reality.

5. Video Gamers:  This category applies to fans of the first person shooter, action, and sports genres of video games, and stuff like Guitar Hero.  There are a great deal of these people, and they spend a great deal of time and money on these games.  But they are slightly cooler than my other category concerning video games, becasue the games these nerds play require dexterity and skill, as well as patience.

6. Comic Book/Baseball Card Nerds: Comic books are a somewhat antiquated, but still interesting and monetarily valuable trade.  Plus they have a strong foothold in popular culture these days with the success of the Marvel and Batman films.  At their best, Comics are a unique artistic medium, but at their worst, they are the source of some of the weakest writing and flimsiest ideas of all imaginative fiction.  And baseball Cards, while boring in themselves, are again, rooted in reality, therefore not that uncool.  But anyone who nerds out on that kind of stuff to a truly nerdy degree, is definitely not cool.

7. RPG Nerds:  As opposed to other genres of video games, RPG's really just require patience.  I will no doubt incur some nerd-rage on this point, but I let it stand.  If you're willing to fight enough pigs in the forest for 12 exp/pig, you will eventually get strong enough to master that next dungeon.  This category includes World of Warcraft and other MMORPG nerds.  Plus this category could arguably include D&D nerds, as it's a non-computer version of the same activity, but I place them in a different category, which will follow.

8. Star Trek Nerds:  Star Trek is just not generally regarded as cool.  Though I happen to think STNG is rad, I will admit that it is the general tendency of the Star Trek franchise to favor below average actors and cheesy production values.  This was true until J.J. Abrams hit the scene, but overall, I think it still holds.  Any class of nerds willing to wear those mauve spandex Starfleet uniforms deserves a place at #8.

9. General Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nerds:  Any nerd whose primary sci-fi/fantasy obsession does not fall into one of the aforementioned categories is generally of a lower class of nerd.  Anyone who thinks Star Wars was cool, but Babylon 5 or Dr. Who was really where it was at is a very uncool nerd indeed.  Anyone who reads those 3 inch thick paperbacks with pretty, realistic-looking paintings on the front (Game of Thrones is the only exception), where maidens talk to their cats, is a low class of nerd.  Anyone who wants to read through 155 pages of exposition about the genealogy of dragons or the structure of society in Beelegeuse is super-not-cool.

10.  Internet Nerds:  These are the people that spend all their lives on message boards, trolling and panning other people's innocent queries.  If you have ever gone off on someone in an online message board or chatroom or blog, telling them what a stupid n00b they are, this is you.  There is some crossover with social media whores here, but I think these trolls deserve their own low, low echelon of nerdliness.

11. Anime Nerds:  These people are even less cool, however.  Anyone that genuinely believes that there is more than a small, small handful of good anime movies (my votes all go to the works of Haiyo Miazaki), and that any of the long-running anime series are really worth watching (Cowboy Bebop is enough for me) is a very uncool nerd.  The sad truth is, 99% of anime is just softcore hentai (look it up if you don't know what it is), and anyone that proclaims to watch it because it's good is a liar and a nerdly, nerdish, nerd.

12.  Card Game/Hobby/Action Figure Nerds:  Now we're really getting to the bottom of the barrel.  Anyone who plays Magic: The Gathering, D&D or any non-computer RPG/TBS game is a whiny, pimply, nose-picking nerd.  If you have spent more than a single hour in a hobby/game store in your life, this could be you.  If you are on a first name basis with the AM shift cashier, this is definitely you.  If you play more than one card-based strategy game, this is so you.  And if you build model ANYTHINGS and you are not also an architect/designer or a child, you are one of the lowest forms of nerd.  Chances are you don't shower much, and your favorite food comes in a pressurized spray can. 

13. LARPers:  LARP stands for Live Action Role Playing.  It's RPG nerds cross bred with hobby nerds.  Unimaginably awful.  If you have ever worn a medeival-style tunic and a scabbard on a day that wasn't Haloween or a LOTR premier, this is you.  If part of you, deep down inside, believes you really might have the power to cast magic spells, you are a dirty, friendless nerd.  I also put all Wiccans/Witches/Pagans in this category.  It's fantasy roleplay, not a religion, and mainly an excuse to dress up like RenFest is every day.

14.  Train Nerds:  And now, we reach the very lowest form of nerd.  If you have more than one gauge of train set in your basement, and you have turned it on since the age of 7, you are the lowest form of nerd there is.  LARPers get to point and laugh at you for being such a simpering dweeb.  Tech nerds are so much cooler than you, they literally don't know you exist.  Put on your blue and white striped engineer hat and go die in silent obscurity.